i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
