I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
