matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
