just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
