i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
