The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
