don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
