just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
