I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
