Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
