I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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