New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
