She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We left the knife in your bed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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