I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She bit a glass in half.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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