If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
