Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
