i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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