The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
