anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
