I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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