My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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