Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
