Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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