Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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