Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
