I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
