hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
This is not my ceiling
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
