is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
