If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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