if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
