i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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