FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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