I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
