Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have tasted many bathrooms
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
