11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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