Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
