I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
