Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
