im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize