my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
