I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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