She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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