Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
