He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
