I wish I only lived at night.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
