our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
