I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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