I wish my penis had an off switch
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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