if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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