i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He passed out mid-signature
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
