Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
