Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
