His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
