she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
