return my video game
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize