I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
