Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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