he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
