That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
